Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
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