I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
