I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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