I think i peed on brittanys purse
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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