Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
