I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
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I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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