i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
