I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The air was thick with penises
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
