I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
