He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
