The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
