I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
