She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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