mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
