Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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