I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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