I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
