Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
