I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
