on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
