I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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