we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
