So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
