He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
