Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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