I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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