I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
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Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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