just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
