and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
