did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
