In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
