I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
