Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
