I like my sex mixed with concussions.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.