She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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