I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
