apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
