Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
