dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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