Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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