mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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