you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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