I wannas sexs uuuuu
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
