Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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