If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
