do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
