Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
