I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
