everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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