this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
