he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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