I met the friendliest cop last night
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
