This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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